


First Degree Dimension

by NobodyOfficial



Category: Dirk Gently - Douglas Adams
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, THIS IS BOOK FANFIC JUST BTW, actually very canon compliant, its the 80s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 03:10:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15787740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobodyOfficial/pseuds/NobodyOfficial
Summary: You should only read this out of curiosity. I’ll be honest, Brotzly as we know it is really just a throwaway line in this fic; it instead focuses on the idea that Dirk and Todd will end up solving mysteries and falling in love no matter which universe they’re in.It instead contains chubby, European ball of sass Book!Dirk, and bubbly, star-struck, pink-cornrow-wearing Todd Venezia.Basically: someone on tumblr asked if I’d write book fanfic and, well, I did.





	First Degree Dimension

There was something there. Every time Dirk closed his eyes. Every time he looked away. He could feel it. Hear ito breathing, see its shadow. But whenever he looked right at it it was gone.

 

Dirk was certain he had seen it lurking behind the counter of an American diner he had passed yesterday, but instead of investigating he’d fled. Well, fled as much as one can flee with four pins in their shin and crutches.

 

Now, armed with one rather nifty pocket-dagger and a device that was probably just a regular compass, Dirk had returned to do his job: investigate.

 

The trick was confidence, which Dirk happened to have two hundred and twenty pounds of. The only problem was that his crutches didn’t have an ounce of it.

 

He clattered through the door, attracting the attention of the few diner patrons who remained at eleven thirty at night, and one sleepy cashier. The cashier gave a lazy half smile, the kind that seemed like it was inviting him to take his time but was really just demanding that he hurried up.

 

Dirk ignored him, lifted his chin, and sauntered casually across the diner, crutches clicking with every step. When he reached the counter he simply walked right past it and through the double doors into the kitchen. He could hear the cashier calling after him, but the single remaining chef made no move to impede him, so he continued past the friers and the stoves to the freezer at the back.

 

The tiny freezer window quickly became misted by his warm breath, but not so quickly that Dirk could see it was empty. He whirled round to continue investigating and bumped straight into the cashier. He seemed to panic for a moment, then grabbed Dirk’s wrist.

 

“No!”

 

“No?”

 

“No! You’re not allowed back here!” He exclaimed. “Do you want some food? Are you ok? Do you speak English?”

 

“Lord, you ask a lot of questions.” Dirk rolled his eyes. Why couldn’t people just figure things out for themselves? “I don’t want any food. I’m fine. I speak perfect English, thank you very much. And I’m Dirk Gently; I can do whatever I like.”

 

The cashier dropped his wrist. “You’re Dirk Gently?”

 

“Yes. I suppose you must’ve heard about my wonderful clairvoyant powers. I don’t have any.”

 

“No, but I’ve heard that you never make your bed, or wash your dishes, or tidy your living room. I’m Todd Venezia. Elena’s son.”

 

“You’re Elena’s son?” Dirk spluttered. The rare times when Dirk didn’t suspect that Elena’s son was entirely fabricated he had always imagined him rather like a small beanbag; sprawled in the basement in front of the TV. Todd was tall and muscular with huge, dark eyes and at least a meter of cornrows tied up in a netted bun.

 

And he was called Todd? Well. That was nice, Dirk supposed.

 

“Yes. Mum told me you were...” He gestured vaguely to Dirk, “Like this.”

 

“On crutches?”

 

“Well, yeah, but-“

 

“Fat?”

 

“I mean, she did say, uh, but no-“

 

“Black?”

 

“Dirk!”

 

Dirk finally shut his mouth.

 

“She said you were strange. Airy. Like you’re from... somewhere else.” Todd stared at Dirk, as if he was trying to find something that made him other-worldly.

 

“I am. I’m from Romania.”

 

“No, like, another dimension.” Todd was grinning widely. Dirk had never seen anyone else so happy about alternate dimensions.

 

“I am,” Dirk said, and Todd’s eyes widened. “So are you. So is everyone. There are multiple versions of all of us, all in different dimensions.”

 

“That’s not quite so exciting.” Todd shrugged and looked around the kitchen. “What are you looking for around here, anyway?”

 

“A thing.” Dirk scanned the floor beneath the friers, moving away from Todd, who followed eagerly.

 

“A thing?” Todd glanced at the floor. “It’s all clean, I promise. I learned from the best, obviously.”

 

“Clean my fridge for me.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.

 

“I thought you’d just got a new fridge,” Todd frowned.

 

“I did. Then I used it. It’s dirty now. And your mum won’t clean it. You should clean it.” Dirk gasped as something caught his eyes and tried to crouch down, before remembering the metal frame encompassing his leg. He hissed with pain and fell backwards.

 

“What happened to your leg?” Todd asked, crouching down and helping Dirk sit up.

 

“I got run over. By a motorbike.” Dirk turned his face slightly to show Todd the jagged, white scars on his cheek. “This happened too. And my earring got ripped out.”

 

“You have an earring?” Todd gasped.

 

“Of course that’s the part that interests you.” Dirk lay down on his back and rolled onto his stomach, reaching a hand under the frier. His fingers closed around a small badge and he manoeuvred himself back into a sitting position. “Look.” He held it out to Todd.

 

“What?” Todd squinted at his outstretched palm.

 

“The badge.” Dirk rotated it around between his fingers.

 

“Wha-what badge?”

 

“You can’t see it?” Dirk’s heart began to race. He ran his fingers over the badge repeatedly, making sure it was solid. “It’s right here, you can’t see it?”

 

“N-no, I-“ Todd reached his hand out and placed it on top of Dirk’s. “Oh!” He immediately retracted it. “Shit! There’s something there, Dirk!”

 

“I know! I can see it! Why can’t you see it?” Dirk was breathing so quickly his lungs ached. The air felt like water. Pushing his glasses up his nose, which he still expected to be tender, he read the writing aloud. “Inter-Dimensional Investigator.”

 

There was only Dirk and the universe. He was the only thing that could breath, that could think, that could exist. The darkness was endless, and no matter how sharply Dirk sucked in air the vacuum refused to enter his lungs. A star exploded and his vision went white; something slammed into his shoulder.

 

“Dirk! Dirk!” Todd grabbed his shoulder again and shook him. “Are you ok? Dirk!”

 

Dirk opened his eyes and gasped. “They’re looking for me!”

 

“Who?” Todd rubbed his hand soothingly across Dirk’s back. “Are you in danger?”

 

“They’re looking for me,” Dirk repeated, this time in a soft, defeated tone.

 

“Alright, um, my shift’s over in fifteen minutes. I’ll close the diner up, and then we can talk. Is that ok?”

 

“Why do you want to talk to me?” Dirk asked. “Other than because I’m fascinating.”

 

“To make sure you’re safe.” Todd grabbed his arms and hauled him up off the floor, then handed him his crutches. “Do you want to talk?”

 

“That would be-“ Dirk smiled, “Nice.”

 

~

 

“I brought you some fries.”

 

Dirk looked up from the badge, which he’d been study for the past twenty minutes. Todd was stood next to the booth with a plate of fries and some sort of ‘fountain soda’ that was popular in America. “Here.” He put them down in front of Dirk.

 

Todd had also released his hair from its bun, and Dirk could now see that half of it was a lighter brown than the rest. “Why did you dye half your hair light brown?” He asked.

 

“My-“ Todd grabbed a handful of cornrows. “This isn’t my real hair. And it’s pink.”

 

“Oh.” Dirk frowned, as if frowning would suddenly allow him to see colour.

 

“Are you colourblind?” Todd asked, sliding into the booth opposite him.

 

“Yes.”

 

“So you don’t know that your pants are red.” He pointer first at Dirk’s brown blazer, than at his brown pants.

 

“No they’re not. Your mum said they were-“ Dirk groaned. “She lied to me! Again!” Maybe it was time to just burn all his clothes and get a new wardrobe. That sounded like a highly enjoyable weekend plan. Only everything new he bought would have to be black or yellow.

 

“So...” Todd watched in amazement as Dirk ate the entire plate of fries in four mouthfuls. “What’s going on? Why are these people after you?”

 

“Because I’m,” Dirk gestured to himself like Todd had done earlier, then imitated his words, “Like this.”

 

“Colourblind?” Todd asked.

 

“No.”

 

Todd slid his hand over to the pot of help-yourself cutlery and pulled a knife out. “Because you’re black,” he hissed, brandishing the knife as if he wasn’t afraid to shank a racist.

 

“No, no, it’s not like that, it’s because-“ Dirk pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. “It’s because I know that your PIN number is 5637. It’s because I know the capital city of every country in the world without ever having to learn a single one. It’s because I know that there are exactly thirty seven bottles of tomato ketchup in this diner. It’s because right now I know that exactly there-“ He pointed to a spot on the ceiling, “A star just died. And I know about the other dimensions. And I shouldn’t.”

 

Todd did nothing but open and close his mouth for a long time, so Dirk sipped some soda, which turned out to just be lemonade, and ate a couple of sugar cubes from the bowl on the table.

 

“There’s no point in asking how you know those things, is there?” Todd finally sighed.

 

“So you believe me?” Dirk was used to being called crazy. And a liar. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Todd had called him both.

 

“What’s the capital of Côte d’Ivoire?”

 

“Yamoussoukro,” Dirk said with a roll of his eyes. It was like people didn’t even try!

 

“I don’t know if that’s right or not,” Todd hummed. “Well anyway, I believe you. Tell me something about another dimension!”

 

Todd’s enthusiasm was infectious. It made Dirk feel bubbly and excited inside. He almost regretted stealing from the tip jar earlier. Almost.

 

“Alright then.” Dirk stared until his vision blurred. Focused his mind until he couldn’t hear a sound. Eventually he was so disassociated from reality he couldn’t even feel the table beneath his palms. “In a third degree dimension, in the future, in America, there’s a man called Dirk Gently who’s a holistic detective, and he’s in love with a man called Todd.”

 

“Huh.” Todd laughed nervously. “Are you flirting with me?”

 

“What? No no no no no no.” Dirk shook his head rapidly. Dirk Gently did not flirt. Dirk Gently forced his emotions down until he forgot how they had ever felt in the first place. “I’m telling the truth. Honestly!”

 

“Ok.” Todd was looking at Dirk with such gentle intensity he felt like he should be looking away. He flashed him a smile and Dirk felt heat creep up the back of his neck. “What’s a third degree dimension?”

 

Dirk jumped at the chance to slip back into his comfort zone. “It’s a dimension that’s three steps away from reality.”

 

“And this is reality, right?” Todd beamed, evidently proud of himself. When Dirk didn’t reply he paled a little. “Right?”

 

For some reason Dirk suddenly didn’t feel so boastful. “Uh, this is a first degree dimension. It’s still real though, every dimension is real. It’s just not... real real.”

 

Todd rubbed his eyes. “I don’t know how I feel about that.” He shook his head, sending his cornrows spinning. “No, I’m sorry, it’s fine. So these people who are after you, they can travel between these dimensions?”

 

“Yes. At least, that’s what the badge says.”

 

“The badge I can’t see.”

 

“Mm.”

 

Resting his elbows on the table, Todd leaned in and smirked, “How can I help you then?”

 

Dirk’s heart skipped. “No! You can’t!”

 

“Please,” Todd started, “I’m happy to-“

 

“No, I don’t want to get you hurt. Or into trouble.” He ran his hands over his face. “Friends don’t get friends into trouble.”

 

“Friends,” Todd breathed, screwing his eyes up and clasping his hands. Dirk chuckled.

 

“Let me walk you home then.” He pressed on before Dirk could protest, “Please, you can’t protect yourself on crutches. And I want to see the walls that house London’s most sophisticated pig sty.”

 

Dirk thought of the worst thing that could happen if he allowed Todd to walk him home. Images of shady, invisible agents popping out from inside hedges and behind walls filled his mind. Each thought ended with Todd’s lifeless body bleeding out on the floor while Dirk despaired over his own incompetence.

 

He looked up and Todd smiled at him.

 

“Alright. I guess you can walk me home.”

 

~

 

Dirk watched his duster swish around his ankles as he hobbled along beside Todd. The night was like a shard of onyx; sharp and opaque.

 

After lighting a cigarette and inhaling several lungfuls of smoke Dirk hesitantly asked, “So, are you really, umm, are you really gay?”

 

Todd turned back and winked at Dirk. “And proud of it.” He watched Dirk as he manoeuvred taking shaky puffs of his cigarette and using his crutches. “What about you?”

 

“Me?”

 

“Are you gay?”

 

“I don’t know anymore. I only ever liked one man, and he let them do this to me.” Letting his cigarette fizzle on the damp curb, Dirk reached up and slightly parted the curls at his temple, revealing a thick but straight scar running along the side of his head. “He told them I was guilty and let them take me away.” Dirk slid his hand back into his crutch and carried on limping. “Anyway, he has a girlfriend now. She’s horrible. She’s a musician.”

 

“Dirk, what did they do to you?” Todd asked, staring at the back of Dirk’s head where he was sure the scar continued.

 

“He called me fat, too. In a mean way. I didn’t like that.”

 

“Did they cut your head open? Did they experiment on you? Are you safe?”

 

“He never stood up for me in college; he let everyone bully me. He’s just so pretty though, I was a rather foolish teenager.”

 

“Does it hurt? Are these people still after you? Dirk!”

 

Dirk stopped abruptly. Todd was staring at him, waiting for answers. “This is my house,” was all Dirk said.

 

“Oh.” Todd helped him up the front steps, then steadied him as he fished around for his keys. He eventually pulled them from his pocket but made no move to enter the house. His heart tried to erupt from his mouth and he swallowed it back down again.

 

“The police arrested me when I was nineteen, for cheating on a test, and helping everyone else cheat too. But I didn’t cheat! I told them I didn’t cheat, and they didn’t believe me, so I kept insisting. They ran tests until they realised I was telling the truth. Then they wanted to know how I’d got the answers.

 

“They made me solve basic problems, like telling people their credit card numbers or what they’re writing down under the table. You know, nursery stuff. They didn’t understand how I knew it all, even though it was all so simple.

 

“So then they gave me a brain scan and it said something was wrong. It wasn’t anything they’d ever seen before. They did it again and again but they couldn’t figure it out.

 

“So then they-“ Dirk’s breath caught in his throat. “Then they cut my head open, to examine my brain. They only got so far before my body started to shut down and they had to stop. I still get headaches sometimes, like something is drilling inside my skull, trying to get out.” He looked up, the moonlight reflecting in the tear tracks on his cheeks. “Do you think I’m insane?”

 

Todd was silent. Unblinking. He stared at Dirk in a way that made his insides squirm. “I’m sorry. Did I scare you?”

 

“No,” Todd breathed. “No, you didn’t scare me and no, I don’t think you’re insane. I think you’re brilliant, Dirk Gently. You don’t deserve to be hurt by anyone.”

 

“I’m scared,” Dirk whispered, touching his finger tips to his temple. He’d been unconscious for the entire operation, but he could imagine the pain. A single sharpened surgeon’s scalpel slicing through the delicate skin on his head until it met bone. The blade dragging across his skull, leaving minute tracks like the grooves of a record.

 

“I know. You should be.” Todd twisted a cornrow absently through his fingers and Dirk tried to image what the colour pink looked like. The best he could come up with was yellow. “I’m sorry that I can’t help you, but-“ He fished an old receipt from his pocket and scribbled on it with a marker, “Here. It’s my phone number. I’m sorry I can’t do anything, I don’t really know what’s happening, but if you ever think I’ll be useful please call.”

 

“Oh.” Dirk took the piece of paper and stared at it. “Do you need me to do something for you, or...”

 

“No, no,” Todd said hurriedly. “Use this if you ever need me to do something for you.”

 

“Oh,” Dirk repeated, in an even spacier and more confused manner than before. “Al-alright. Thanks.”

 

“Ok.” Todd patted him on the shoulder. Twice. “Take care,” he said. “I hope I’ll see you soon.” He started down the steps.

 

“Two men,” Dirk yelled after him.

 

“What?”

 

“I’ve, um, I’ve only ever liked two men.”

 

Todd smirked stupidly and waved, then he rounded the corner and was lost from sight. Dirk realised he was grinning too, and although it was silly he couldn’t stop.

 

He grinned as he slid the key into the lock.

 

He grinned as he unlocked the door.

 

He was still grinning when the uniformed woman with the ‘Inter-Dimensional Investigator’ badge grabbed him roughly by the shoulder and covered his grinning mouth with her hand.

 

“What do you know about Todd Venezia?”

 

Dirk was no longer grinning when he realised he was very, very self-absorbed.

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t remember exactly where Dirk’s from, I think it was Romania.
> 
> (And this Todd is his maid’s gay son, for anyone who hasn’t read book two).
> 
> My tumblr’s everyonewholovesmehasdied and it doesn’t have much Dirk stuff on it but you can come tell me I suck if you like.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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